Keep door close | Do not enter

(This post is graphic, you've been warned!)

I will say something in this post that I usually don't talk about. It is difficult to put this into words specially when it is such a taboo subject. Even in 2009 people still don't know how to react when they hear something like this, and their reaction always makes me feel uncomfortable... everytime.

Why am I finally putting this into words so that everyone can read it?

I don't know... I have written this in my personal diary and my pschologist also knows, but maybe it's just time this weight was lifted off my shoulders... for good.

Let's go back a few years... 2001 to be exact.

It started off to be a good year:
- I had a job in Québec City that I loved
- My parents were back together after a three year separation (they are now separated... yet again)
- And my sister was a bartender, and she loved it.

But all good stories come to an end eventually.

My sister started to befriend the wrong people. And those people were part of a major street gang here in Québec.

I will spare you some of the details, but sometimes we did not see her for days. She would just disappear from the face of the world then eventually come back home.

As time went by, Anne (my sister) started to have a big drug problem. I'm not sure what she was taking but it was impossible to wake her up on some days, and when she was awake, half of her words were only mumblings.

I remember one late August evening, my parents received a call from the police saying that my sister walked in the station because she said her life was in danger. Someone was going to kill her. And they wanted to talk to us about this.

So we all went to the station, about 35 minutes away, and ended up being interrogated (separately) for 2 hours! It was mostly questions about what we knew from what my sister was telling us from time to time.

After talking for what seemed days on a very uncomfortable wooden chair, we finally were able to see her. She was shaken up, but mostly ok. The police told us that someone was after her and that she had to disappear for awhile for her safety. They also told us that there was a price on her head because she was not showing up for work (we found out that she was a dealer in an afterhour night club... among other things). What her "bosses" told her was that they would fine her 1,000$ a day for every missed days of work until she went back to work, or until the dept reached 100,000$. If she still did not show up after that to repay them, they would go get her... themselves.

So that night we went back to my parent's house and looked at the options that we had. She had to leave, we all knew that... but not her. She said she would be fine... and that make us very nervous.

Anne went back to bartending in our hometown and everything was fine for awhile, except for her drug problem. She was never able to deal with that.

December 2, 2002

I was at my parent's house watching tv with my dad when Anne left for work that evening. About 15 minutes later she came back because she had forgotten something, then she went back to work. It was getting late, and since I was working the next morning, I went home.

At around 11pm, a knock at the door woke me up... it was my mom. She told me to get dress because we had to go. So I did, then went in the living room where she was waiting for me.

She asked me if I knew why... I just nodded... I had a good idea of what happened... My sister took her life.

My mom drove me to the bar where Anne worked. My father was already there.

He always had a cup of coffee with her while she closed the bar every night. But that day the door was unlocked and there was no one around which is something that my sister never did. My father, a former Millitary Police Officer, found that very suspicious and started investigating. He found her in the storage room... lifeless. He tried CPR and called 911, but it was too late. My sister was already gone.

She was taken to the hospital by ambulance before I arrived. The police officers that were there told us that we had to go to the hospital to officially identify her while they wrapped up all the evidence to make sure that it was not a criminal case. So we did.

When we arrived, the nurse told us to go sit in a little sitting area. And across the hall there was a door with a sign on it.

"Garder porte fermée, ne pas entrer" (Keep door close, do not enter)

A nurse showed up and told us to follow her. She then oppened that door.

It was a small room with only one bed. There was a body on the bed covered with a white sheet.

I stood at that door... frozen. I couldn't move.

I turned around and went back to the sitting area. I could not see my sister, my only sister, laying on that bed... lifeless... with a wire imprinted in her neck.

I just couldn't.

I'm not sure how long we were there... but it seemed like time just stood still... the world stopped turning...

The ride back home was quiet... there was no sound... nothing... I was alone.

Almost 7 years has passed since December 2, 2002 and there isn't one day that goes by where she isn't in my thoughts, even if it's just for a split second.

We had our ups and downs while growing up but Anne was my younger sister and even if I know that she will always be with me wherever I am... I still miss her... her presence mostly.

Life is short, and the older we become, time flies by even faster. Take time to enjoy the little things in life that we all take for granted, because when it's gone... it's gone for good.